


Hope till Home

by triangularunicorn



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Additional Characters, M/M, Original Character(s), Other, Own Character, POV Original Character, Season/Series 12, Season/Series 13
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-11-04 20:47:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10998693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triangularunicorn/pseuds/triangularunicorn
Summary: Set in the beginning of Season 13 , one week after the finale .Not only is Grace half angel and half human , she also has ,with her father being the archangel Gabriel , unique powers . After being on the run, with her mother from Lucifer ,who wants to either recruit her or kill her , Lucifer finally managed to get hold of them with resulted in the death of her mother and Grace being  able to escape . She is now trying to find the Winchesters to seek help , a contact given to her mother by her father after he vanished just after Graces 10th birthday. After arriving in Lebanon Kansas she  finds out that the Winchesters aren't quite the heroes his father claimed they were , especially Dean who is still not over the death of Castiel. Lucifer's son is still vanished and Mary Winchester is still stuck , together with Lucifer, in an alternate universe .





	1. On the road

_Stay on the road . Walk next to the road . Don't trust anyone. Watch out for red eyes . Watch out for black eyes . Survive until you find them . Ask Questions. Find my father . Get mom back. Happy end ._ I repeated the list all over again , watching the neon red lights of the occasional truck reflect on the puddles of the dark road . I didn't like the color red. Red chased me in my nightmares and daydreams . A sharp wind took me by surprise and sent shivers down my spine . I nestled deeper into my fleece jacket ,that was drenched from the sudden rain last night . Or was it still this night ? I didn't how how late or how early it but that was my least concern. I was hungry and definitely too weak to go any further as i have walked days on end , living off the little remains of my mother's wallet . Stay on the road . My sneakers were wrecked ,completely soaked and every step was painful. _Walk next to the road._  I couldn't. I couldn't. I needed to . _Come_ _on Grace_ . There were motor sounds in the distance. A car , no wait the roars were to loud . A truck then . _Stay in the shadows , they won't find you_ . It came closer . I squeezed my eyes shut , seeing all black and then tiny specks of light dancing around . "Please don't see me . Go away ! " i mouthed soundlessly , but the sounds got closer and then stopped . I held my breath and slowly opened my eyes , blinking a few times . A red truck with the logo 'Wattie's canned fruit ' stood right next to me , it's window halfway rolled down . " Hey , you look like you need a ride ! It's quite cold outside and Kansas is quite dangerous after sundown . " I heard a rusky voice out of the drivers cabin . Carefully i took a step backwards , trying to get the right angle to take a peek through the window. A middle aged ,clearly on the older side but not older than fifty, pudgy man with unruly curls and a stubbly chin sat behind the steers wheel . He wore a green elf christmas sweater ,even if it was late march and had a friendly warm smile . But i had to be careful, i couldn't trust strangers under any circumstances , he could be one of Lucifers handymen . I took a glance down at my once white shoes, which were now a dirty brown color and their soles were almost worn through. There was no way i could find the bunker in my state , a malnourished and drenched epitome of misery. I stared at the man in the truck and decided to give it a shot as it was either hit or miss , so i found myself climbing up into the warm drivers cabin , fiddling with the tiny flask of holy water in the left pocket of my fleece jacket . I neatly opened the bottle with two fingers and emptied a fair amount into my bare , left hand . With the right hand i closed the door and took a deep breath. "Hello , i'm Jamie. " i lied . There was no way i would tell strangers my real name , that was way too risky . I offered the hand with the holy water to shake , which the man happily accepted . He smiled, no pain , no demon . At least for now i was kind of , sort of safe from the supernatural but who knew what tricks Karma had in petto . " I'm Pete , nice to meet you Jamie ." He greeted joyfully . The driver's cabin felt quite homy, in a weird way . It probably reminded me of home , which was a blue 1995 Toyota Cambry .There were string lights hung up across the ceiling and along the windows illuminating the the space and giving it a golden glow . Ornaments, including a ragged plush elephant wearing a tutu , were dangling from the rearview mirror and many Pictures were embattled on the empty spaces of the dashboard with striped washi tape , mostly of Pete with a little girl with big brown curls and a toothy grin, one old picture of a cocker spaniel and one of a woman with dark hair and friendly eyes. "Is this your daughter?" i asked him , pointing at the little girl , mainly because i wanted to find out as much as possible to stay alert but part of me was also curious about people and their culture as i never had much contact with them ."Yes , her name is Chelsea and she's four . She's currently with her nan as i'm driving goods throughout the states . " He explained, smiling lugubriously at the framed photograph . Chelsea grinned back at him . " What about her mum ? " I threw in quickly , regretting it a second after as his face turned quite bitter . " She left us when lil Chelsea was two .Had a brain aneurysm, size of a plum . Doctors said there was nothing to do bout it , but they're liars . The rich folk get chauffeured and the poor folk gets a kick in the ass . Bet if she had a million bucks she would be still here , ya know ! God bless America! " He cursed, holding back tears . I felt my stomach dropping and my eyes watered up . " I lost my mum too . Not two years ago , but two weeks ago . I'm so sorry !" I said, swallowing loudly, a dull pain sliding down my throat at the sheer terror i have witnessed. It wasn't a nice death, but let's be honest, death was never nice . It's not merciful and certainly not like in the movies . It's not epic , dramatic , heroic or even calm . It comes like a sledgehammer, destroying everything and it won't stop until everything is in pieces. I remember my mum , long brown locks down to her waist , slight soft wrinkles when she smiled and gray eyes that were always alert of everything. She was the only thing i had and the only one i could trust . We were on the run since i was 10 , from everything and anything . Don't get me wrong, my childhood wasn't that dramatic it just wasn't your average childhood . I was homeschooled had no friends, just books and tv but i wasn't sad or anything like that .The last time i saw my Dad was when i was 10. Mum said he was special, but he never seemed that way . His name was Gabe , and I remember him being funny, kind and joyful, at least the times when he was around . Apparently he had important duties ,that's what my mum told me after his monthly visits, but he would always come back to us , she said . Well that didn't quite work out as he explained my mum in late March of 2010 in our dim lit living room that he had to leave for a long time. I remembered my mum crying and him trying to comfort her . Then he was gone and shortly after , bags of necceties were packed and i was put after many complaints in the back of my mums old Toyota . I didn't understand what was happening at that time and i still had to wait five years until she explained the situation to some extent to me when i was fifteen . She explained why i had to spend my teenage years in a different musky motel every day , she explained why i had to stay in the shadows instead of being in the spotlight in highschool . I was different, i was special and i was considered a threat by creatures far beyond my imagination because of who my father was and because of what i am . But she didn't tell what i was or why i was special. So adding that to my anxiety and frequent panic attacks you could safely assume that i had a troubled youth . " So Jamie, where are you heading too ? " Pete interrupted the silence . " Lebanon , Kansas . My aunt lives there . " I replied thankful that he didn't pick up the fact that i was definitely too young to be strolling on a highway at 3 Am .While the location was true i never had an aunt that i knew of but i could not just say , that i got that information from a cross road demon that i met one week ago , let's say not by accident ,and i didn't even knew if the bunker existed or if the people i was searching for were even there . I also didn't know if it would be a trap but it was the last option i had . " I have to bring the goods to Blue Hill . You're lucky , Lebanon is on the same Highway. We'll be there in about two hours !" He exclaimed. " That's nice !" i heard myself answering. I didn't know if i was scared or glad . I had atleast some time until i would find out if i'd die or get the promised help . My mother told me if she would be gone at some point and i was completely on my own , i had to find Sam and Dean Winchester . Apparently they were ,according to my Dad ,a safe bet . So i had no clue who these guys were or what they did but according to a certain demon they had their headquarters in a bunker in Lebanon, Kansas and they knew how to handle these types of situations. The ride to Lebanon was blurry , i could remember Pete offering me a packaged twinkie which i accepted due to the fact that i was starving and that the food was safely wrapped . The Twinkie was disgustingly sweet but at least my hunger went partly away . I remembered Pete talking about his daughter a lot and the warmth of the air conditioning making me feel safe and fuzzy . Time was relative on the open road , and soon the sun rose, dying the sky in soft pinks and oranges . It felt calm and soothing, different to what i was used to to , sleeping in bus stations and little shelters, the past two weeks. The road sign 'Lebanon' turned up sooner that i wanted it to and after driving through the tortuous highway , buildings started popping up , turning the plain land into the outskirts of Lebanon . Pete stopped at a run down gas station . It looked quite empty, there was just a man in a navy suit jumping out of a silver audi to pay for his gas . " So Jamie , do you know where you are going from here ? " Pete asked carefully while i was unbuckling my seatbelt . To be honest i had no clue where the allegedly bunker was but i nodded replying " Yes Pete . Thank you so much for the ride. I hope you'll see your daughter again soon . Again i can't thank you enough!" while Pete nodded, handing me three twinkies out of the package which i thanked him for and then climbed out of the truck , welcoming the firm ground under my feet . I waved Pete one last time and watched him return to the road and out of my eyes . I decided to get a coffee , as i haven't slept for two days straight and was barely able to function, and maybe ask the woman behind the counter if she had heard anything about a bunker like building. I knew it couldn't be in the city itself , that would destroy the whole purpose of it , so it had to be a further away from busy areas .The gas station shop was warm and illuminated with bright neon lights that hurted in the eyes . I rummaged through my pocket , in hope of finding a scrunched up dollar bill , but my pockets were empty. Great . I took a few steps forward and looked at the elderly woman at the counter that was reading the newspaper. It smelled a bit like foul eggs but that were probably just the old food they presented behind a glass wall . " Hello dear , is there anything i could do for you ? " She asked with a sweet voice . Her face was full of wrinkles and her glasses seemed to be almost gliding down her thin frame . I stepped forward again, nervously fidgeting a loose threat of my shirt . " Yes mam . Have you heard of a bunker ? It's supposed to be somewhere in the woods and quite old too ." I asked carefully but not expecting a detailed answer . " Well , well , well . Grace , i haven't expected you at all considering your circumstances. I've heard Lucifer is searching for you , he has quite the price for the one who finds you. " she replied , her voice pitch dropping. Run , screamed the tiny voice in my head. I felt nauseous , the twinky almost coming up again. The lights flickered and the old woman in front of me jumped over the table , eyes now shiny and black . I felt paralysed, my feet glued to the ground, heart beating almost out of my chest. The demon started circling me , inspecting me . " A nephilim . Heaven and God wants you dead , Hell wants you either dead or on their side because you are so powerful and earth doesn't even know you exist . So what to chose ?Death or glory ? Glory or death ! " she hissed . All this time i thought Lucifer wanted me dead, but he wanted my power . What power , i don't have power , i never had power." What does that even mean ? Why did my mother have to die . And where is my father ." i shouted shakingly clutching my arms protectively around my waist . " Look , i really don't care about your mother , your Father might be a different case but he isn't able to cause trouble anymore! " She snapped back . My body was shaking and suddenly the back row of neon lights exploded simultaneously .Don't be scared i tried to tell myself but that was impossible . I closed my eyes and hoped everything around me could fade to black . It didn't feel real , but what  was reality anyway, a childhood without friends and barely any family , my teen years spend in ragged motels watching the old star wars movies all over again ? If i'm not broken, what am i ? If i was gone nobody would care , because nobody would know . Suddenly i head a bang . I threw myself on the ground, a protective gesture which had saved me countless times . My eyes were still shut , i didn't want to open them . I heard the demon yelling and felt my eyes blazing up ,lighting up the whole room ,followed by a jarring lambent sound and then complete silence. I saw smoke and ashes floating down like fall leaves ,felt my body qualing as it was hit by a taser and squeezed my eyes together. I didn't really know what to do , i didn't know what just happened and i didn't want to know. Part of me already gave up, didn't want to fight anymore . " Hello ? Are you alright? " I heard a voice next to me , but it sounded like blurred shouting from far away . I slowly blinked , adjusting once again to the surroundings . The demon was gone but there was a pile of glowing ashes where she stood , a middle aged man kneeling next to it , looking worried in my direction. He had longer hair that almost touched his shoulders and wore a torn jacket . My eyes travelled back and forth between the ashes and the man , unable to process what exactly happened so i continued staring at the man who was nervously holding a strange looking gun . " This , wha .." he began but i heard myself interrupting him " Thank you , thank you so much . " I whimpered, silent hot tears dripping down my eyes , rolling over my cheeks like summer rain . I felt numb but all the feelings i held in all that time , had bubbled up and weighed me down decided to overflow and i collapsed. I tumbled down ,hugging my knees and curling up in a ball . I felt a hand on my shoulder, a big hand . " Hey , it's okay . It's gone now , you are safe ." the stranger said in hopes of comforting me . He was wrong , they were not gone , they were coming. I was not safe , i was hunted . " Come on let's get you up and talk . I can explain, trust me . I deal with stuff like that all the time . " He spoke softly and i looked up . " You've dealt with demons before ? " i asked curiously. The man ran with a hand through his hair . " When did you ... I mean how do you know it was a demon ? " He mumbled , his face expression quite shocked. Although the man seem friendly and welcoming i couldn't trust him , i couldn't trust anybody. With shaking hands i opened the zipper of my fleece jacket and unscrewed the bottle of the holy water flask . It was almost empty, but if this guy was one of his handymen it would give me a spare second to flee . Without thinking quickly i splashed the holy water in the mans face while jumping up , expecting him to flinch or even hiss in pain . But he just looked confused, wiping his wet face with his sleeve jacket. " Look , i don't know what you know, but i am not a demon. You are safe , trust me . My name is Sam Winchester " He started to be again interrupted by me . " Sam as in Sam and Dean Winchester. Living in the Bunker in Lebanon Kansas Winchester ? " I exclaimed . The man stood up , he was incredibly tall , and stared at me, confusion written all over his face. " Yes how did you know ? " he stuttered . " My father told my mother that you were specialists in everything supernatural before he left and never came back . When my mother was ... " I gulped , holding back tears seemed impossible at that point " murdered . By Lucifer. She told me you could fix things . They are searching for me . He is searching for me . I don't know what i am or what i have , i don't know anything. " I finished, wiping away the fresh, hot tears that kept coming . Sam Winchester stared at me perplexed before slowly finding words to say . But these words weren't calming or reassuring in any way . He simply stared at me saying " That wasn't me who killed the demon . I think it was you ."


	2. The Winchesters

It turned out that Sam Winchester decided to take me to the bunker first and then clear up what was happening. I agreed, why wouldn't i ,staying at a gas station at 5 am with ashes lying around wouldn't be the best option because sooner or later customers would arrive, then the police as they would be the first to call if someone saw this mess together with a tall ,middle aged man and a dilapidated , dirty sixteen year old girl . Sam Winchester ordered me to follow him inconspicuously , i wasn't sure how that was possible , but i tried my best . Luckily no people were around yet ,so we were able to leave the gas station unnoticed. After following the highway i came from in tormenting silence, Sam turned right and deviated from the road , now climbing up the ascended side that slowly faded from undergrowth into deciduous forest. I followed reluctantly , dragging myself up the steep hill . After following him a while i first started to become clearly aware of what i was doing . I was letting myself beeing led into the forest by a complete stranger that i knew nothing about . Good move , Grace . Good move . " So what's your name ? " he asked ,not looking down to me , his eyes locked on something in the forest. " Grace ." I simply answered and continued trudging along the muddy path . " Okay ." was all he had to say . Minutes passed and then he suddenly decided to stop and turn around to look at me . " So you are not a demon , or some other celestial creature ? Was there something the demon told you , or even Lucifer ? Anything ? I mean Lucifer would not contact several demons to allocate you if you weren't of eminent importance ! " Sam persisted. There was something , something the demon at the gas station said . " As i already said i don't know what i am , there was something she said , i mean the demon at the gas station. It just didn't made sense, but maybe you could figure out what she meant . She said something along the lines about Heaven wanting me dead and Hell wanting me either dead or on their side . She also said a weird term or word . I don't know the meaning of it , but she called me a Nefi ... Nephy .. Nepfill ? " i tried to reproduce the words of the demon but failed to remember the exact term . "Nephilim ? " Sam asked hesitantly. Yes that what the term . I've never heard of it before but at least this Sam knew it so maybe my father was right and the Winchesters were able to help, if these guys were the Winchesters he was talking about. "Well that explains Lucifer's obsession ." he mumbled as it made perfect sense, slightly shaking his head and then continuing walking up the trail . I tried to keep up with his fast pace and hoped he knew the exact way, as i felt my legs budging because of the countless miles i have roamed the past week. I didn't ask what a ' Nephilim ' was , not because i didn't want to know what i was , i was in agonising fear of knowing who i might be . It turned out Sam Winchester was completely aware of where he was going , because after about a fifteen minute walk we arrived at "the bunker ", which entrance looked strangely like a steampunk version of a hobbit hole . He pulled out a set of keys and continued descending , down to the actual door that was placed right in the middle under the arch and had a strange geometric symbol carved into it . Sam quickly unlock it and stepped through the doorway. After leading me inside ,the creaky door fell into lock . We were now standing on some sort of balcony, from where you had a good view on a strange hall like room . "Did you get the liquor ?" A deep , husky voice that echoed from the right hallway startled me . Were there other people down here ? Dean Winchester ? Or was this a set up trap by Lucifer ? Do demos even drink alcoholic beverages ? Sam apparently ignored it and guided me down an iron staircase, into the peculiar hall i had already seen from above. It wasn't really furnished, not that i had expected it to be, there was just one big table in the center with an illuminated world map on it and several rubber circles scattered around on the surface.That was basically it , beside some antiquated electronic devices in the corners. I wondered what purpose this room had , if it even had one . Tracking the supernatural? Quite possible. Sam quickly traversed the room to open a heavy wooden door that led to what appeared to be a library , equipped with plenty of books and weapons and walked inside to lay down his duffle bag on one of the tables .I followed him into the room , admiring the space but suddenly I heard shuffled sounds behind me and quickly turned around to witness a man in Sam's age standing there, noticeably shorter in his hight and hair length, looking completely dishelved , holding a gun in his hands. "Hands up ." He shouted and i jumped back . " Hands up !" he repeated , now slower, pointing his gun shakingly at me . My heart dropped as i raised my trembling arms in fear ."Dean , it's okay. Put the gun down . " Sam intervened, making appeasing gestures with his hands . So that was apparently Dean Winchester, the Dean that was supposed to be heroic , at least according to my father , but instead he apparently was a mentally unstable man that looked like he hadn't have enough sleep in a week . Dean lowered the gun , slumped to one of the tables and slammed the gun down . " What the heck man , who is she ? " he turned around, staring at his brother in disbelief. " My name is Grace ." I said calmly but he was still continuously staring at me . " Okay , that's great . It's a pleasure to meet ya . Sam did you even check Amazing Grace , here . " he brabbled . He was clearly inebriated, his eyes flickering to Sam. " Are you drunk ? " I asked hesitantly. "Not drunk enough ! " he suddenly exclaimed , twirling around and starting to walking towards a random bookshelf only to be stopped by his brother "Look Dean , why don't you sit down and we talk . She's clearly not a demon , otherwise she wouldn't have been able to get past the warden . I found her at the nearest gas station while doing your liquor run ,beeing threatened by a demon . I don't know where it came from but it's gone now .It didn't want to kill Grace but it wanted something from her , she also has some knowledge about the supernatural as she did own holy water and knew the effect that it had on demons . She was basically chased by Lucifer for the past years ! There is something going on , so would you please sit down and talk like a normal person ! For once , get a grip !"Sam declared. " Yeah ! You handled the situation. You always do that . Good job . "Dean prattled , overemphasising every word to annoy his brother. I honestly had no idea why on earth i was told to seek help from these two , how were they suppose to help me if they couldn't stand to be a minute in the same room . Dean walked to the table , pointedly ignoring us and opened Sam's duffle bag . "What the hell , where is the liquor? " He mumbled , rummaging frantically through the other compartments of the bag . I threw Sam a questioning look . " Look Dean , as i said found Grace at a gas station , she lost her mother because Lucifer killed her and she has no slightest idea who her father is and what he's capable of so please don't expect me to have brought you your stupid liquor. Look at yourself. Is this still about Ca.." Sam started but was instantly cut off by his brother who dropped the empty bag on the ground, his finger pointed on Sam . " Don't. Don't you dare mention him one more time . You walked away . Turned around and just went away , while he .. while he just laid there . You didn't even care , did you ? " he started shouting but the shouting turned into whimpers and then faded into silence . I had no idea what to do , as i didn't know what was happening, so i stood there , awkwardly clutching my hands , staring at two brothers, one with tears in his eyes and one with a shocked expression on his face . Sam took a step forward " Dean , you know that's not true. I do care about Cas , but i had to check on Lucifer's " he began but his brother already turned around and made his way back to the corridor where he came from . Sam pulled back one chair and sacked down on it , burying his face in his hands . I still didn't know what to do so i continued standing frozen on my spot unitil Sam raised his head and looked at me . " Cas , or Castiel , is -was an angel. He was our companion and friend for a long time . We even considered him family, him and Dean were especially close . Cas died . Only a week ago . He was killed , by Lucifer ." Sam began . I did know Lucifer, i did know him very well . I nodded and he continued "Lucifer also took our mother , not killed , i mean we don't know if she's still alive . Drinking is his way of trying to cope but it doesn't solve anything, it only makes things worse because in his delirious state he won't be able to help fix anything." he sighed frustrated. " Anyway Grace, sit down and tell me about what you know . About your Dad and how you know so much about the supernatural. Maybe there are answers ." he quickly changed the subject. Slowly i walked around the table and slid off my dirty backpack while pulling back a chair to sit on . I sat down accross from Sam and folded my hands together. " So , my name is Grace Porter and i'm 16 years old , almost seventeen. I was born and raised in Cadillac, Michigan ,mostly by my mum . I was homeschooled and the closest thing to a friend i had was my grandfather, my mum's dad, who died from a stroke when i was 8. Life hasn't been easy but i was relatively happy. My dad came visiting every month for a few days , which was never enough for me but my mum said that he had important duties that he couldn't neglect and he would always come to visit every month . So that's that . When i was nine, almost ten , my father came once again , but it was different. I remember ,after both of my parents bringing me to bed , them sitting in the living room talking. I couldn't sleep so i went downstairs to grab a glass of water , but stopped and started watching them through the keyhole . My mum was crying and my dad was trying to comfort her . I didn't understand what was going on so i went inside to ask , but they said everything was fine , standard answer when something's wrong. The next morning, my dad was gone and my mum told me to get into her old toyota, that was packed with the necessities. Later on i learned that my dad told my mum that it wasn't safe for us to stay in one place for too long , that they would find us . I now know , that with 'they' she meant Lucifer , till now i don't understand why . I wasn't special, at least i never felt that way . My remaining childhood and teenage years were spend either in said car or crappy motel rooms , never staying at one place for more that a couple of days, taking the term 'Road Trip ' to another level .It wasn't a good life but we coped . Of course i always asked my mum why our life was that way , why we had to be on the go all the time , why i couldn't go to high school like the people in the movies i always watched , why we couldn't have a nice house and where my dad was . Especially where my dad was. She never answered any of these questions until i was fifteen. 'It's better if you don't know too much .'she always used to say . " i started spilling my life story in front of a man i met a few hours ago , that i barely knew , let alone trust . I never talked about my life , probably because it was never been a subject to talk about but mainly because there was no one to talk to . " So you haven't seen your father since you were nine , right ? And he didn't die , atleast not officially . " Sam asked . " Yes . " i stated . "And do know anything else about your dad ? What's his name ? Do you have anything from him that might hint who he is and where he could be now ? " Sam continued. I did know some things but i remembered my mother having a family picture in her wallet . I heaved my backpack on my lap , opened the zipper of the front compartment, tugged out the wallet and dropped the backpack on the ground again. I quickly fished out the old family polaroid that was taken on my ninth birthday. I turned it around so Sam could see it properly. " So , the woman on the right is my mum , Elizabeth and the girl in the middle that's me , obviously. The man on the left is my father. His name is Gabe, he ." i started but noticed Sam staring at the picture in complete horror and disbelief. " Sam ? Are you alright ? Do you recognise him ? " i asked nervously. Sam looked up , eyes widened . " His name is Gabriel. He was an archangel. "


	3. The one i'm not

I sat there completely in shock . When my mum stated that my dad was special , she never elucidated in what exact way . She always rambled on about Lucifer and the demons , she also mentioned that Lucifer was an archangel but regrettably left out the fact that my father was one aswell . Did she even know ? Has he even had a real chance to tell her ? All this time nothing made sense and now that i was starting to connect the puzzle pieces it felt like a hurricane swept over them .My fingers firmly gripped the edge of the table with so much pressure that my knuckles were turning white . I felt my heart started pounding in my chest , now even harder and faster than before and i was unable to breath as it felt like my thorax was beeing squeezed together by a unimaginable force . The table i was holding onto was thrown across the room and i flew backwards ,together with the chair i was sitting on , crashing into one of the bookshelves. _Was that me ? What monster am i ? Oh god ._ My vision went blurry and the vibrant colours around me were fading into a unidentifiable brown blur . I witnessed movement in front of me , someone speaking or shouting but i couldn't figure out what they were trying to tell me. I wanted to say something but it felt like i was being chocked , i wanted to get up but i could not move . I felt hands under my arms , propping me up . _Breathe . Just Breathe_ . I slowly inhaled and exhaled, feeling the pace of my heartbeat getting steadier and my vision gradually clearing up . " It's okay, you're safe." a slurry statement, but it helped. I slowly nodded and felt the pressure fading away . I was having another panic attack. I was okay, it was just the shock . I heared shuffled sounds of someone walking inside , Sam's brother ? He handed me a glass of water ,ordering "Drink , it helps ." . My fingers enclosed the cold glass , bringing it to me lips , shakingly taking small sips . He was right, it did help. Slowly but surely , i felt my body loosening up a bit . "What the hell did you say to her ? What is she , because i know damn well that a girl her size could not throw around a heavy table like it's styrofoam !" Dean shouted at his brother, crossing his arms . " Better Grace ? " Sam asked ,to which i simply nodded, continuing sipping the icy water , before he turned to his brother " Grace was on the run since she was about ten years old . It's not because of something she did it's because of something she is . Something she apparently did not know about until now ." Sam started but kneeled down to pick up my family picture from the floor ,handing it to Dean , who had the same reaction as his brother . Apparently they both knew my father and it looked like they weren't on the best terms . "Isn't that ? " he mumbled ,staring at his brother in disbelief. Sam quickly nodded while his brother decided to stare at me with widened eyes. The whole situation felt off , but i kept my mouth shut anything, i wanted to say something or ask someone, but i didn't know what . I was shocked, but not to that extent i thought i would be . My mother made it no secret that my father was different , that i was special but she never said what kind of special. Angels were good , right ? But what about Lucifer , he's an angel . My dad wasn't like Lucifer , was he ? He was normal, he didn't act like he was angelic in any way . He looked and behaved like a human being , but how was i supposed to tell ,as i was apparently some sort of hybrid creature, some kind of angelic abomination. How was i supposed to tell what was normal ? "What am i ? " I suddenly blurted out . Looking at it now it was probably the worst thing to say after you were told about your celestial ancestry, but to be honest it seemed like a straight forward question back then . "Grace it would be better if you'd take a rest . Dean and I have to discuss some things. Things don't make sense but that's okay, we'll explain later . Do you need anything ? " Sam insisted placatory. I was fed up , after everything i've been through beeing shuffled off like that . " You meen beside people who would listen and understand what i have to say , answer my questions , at least to some extent based on the knowledge they claim to have ,necessities like food and clean , dry clothes , basic needs which i've been lacking for almost two weeks. Nope i'm good ! Never been better !" I snapped at them sarcastically. Sam raised an eyebrow and i swear there was a faint , lopsided grin on Deans face , even if it was gone after a second. " Food , yes of course. I don't know if we have any clothing options, but i could check. As for the rest , we will explain everything to you when you had a rest . It might be too much and i don't know when you last had a good night's sleep so for now try to understand that you are simply not in the condition to take in all the information. " Sam explained. He was right , of course he was , he was just trying to help but i wanted to help , i wanted to actively do so something , but in order to do that i needed to understand what was going on . Sam got up , quickly followed by his brother who gave me a nod as a sign to follow them . I quickly got up , grabbed my backpack and started following the men through several bizarre looking rooms and hallways in an outlandishly equipped and messy kitchen . There was one big ,metal kitchen isle which acted mainly as a deposit of empty beer bottles and pizza boxes . Pots and pans dangled over the whole mess , probably never used , judging their eating habits . In the corner there was a wooden table ,which was integrated in the concrete wall , a pinboard , that had a buch of random adresses and flyers stuck on the cork , loosely hanging on the space above it . Sam strutted determined towards the fridge, observing it's content . "Spoiled and possibly rotten burrito or cornflakes with milk ?" He asked jokingly, already pulling out an almost empty milk jug , placing it on the table . I decided to take a seat , as the storage situation was unfamiliar to me so there was no way i could've helped anyway. I watched Sam check several cupboards, presumably for the promised cornflakes, propping up my tired head on my right hand . Dean was inspecting the bottles on the kitchen isle , examining their content , hoping to find one last drop left in each . I felt pity for him , he and this Castiel must've been really close and it was certainly depressing for his brother to see him fall apart like that . Meanwhile Sam had found a package of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal , which he poured into a bowl without further ado and placed it in front of me .It felt weird being assisted like that ,so i decided to help myself by pouring a generous serving of milk over the cornflakes . The cornflakes were delicious but that was probably due to my hunger and fatigue. Soon the bowl was emptied , with me not even noticing the two brothers staring at me like i was an insane creature with four heads . "Thanks , for well the food and that you didn't try to kill me , i guess ?" i mumbled , tracing patterns in the empty bowl with my spoon . "Yet." Dean gritted through his teeth which earned him a kick from his brother . " So , we'll show you a room , see the bunker is equipped with individual rooms due to it's more excessive use some time ago . " Sam declared, pushing himself from the door he was leaning on , a signal for me to get up . I reluctantly stood up and so did Dean , who's face expression was showing his discomfort with me rooming in their home base . Sam led us through the corridors , passing several doors before stopping in front of one , that to me looked completely identical to the others . Sam was about to open the door but suddenly Dean stepped between his brother and the door . "That's Cas's room . " He objected . So it was the angel again. He must've played a big part in their lives , so i was secretly hoping that not all angels were like Lucifer and most of them were like this 'Castiel' . Dean was still standing in front of the door, almost protective, throwing his brother a judgmental look. Sam just shrugged and carried on to the next door , which was thankfully not occupied by a dead angel and therefore Dean approved . Sam quickly excused himself to hunt up some dry clothing and his brother was carefully watching me entering the room , clearly not trusting me at all . The bedroom looked almost empty with its sparse and minimalistic furniture , but i was used to this as i spent the last six years in cheap motels or on the road . I sat down on the bed , slowly sinking in the yielding mattress. This was nice . Better than the makeshift shelters and bus stations i slept in the past week . " Memory foam , it remembers you . " Dean mumbled coldly . After a few minutes of me trying to endure Deans icy glares , Sam thankfully arrived with a small stack of clothing, placing it carefully on the end of the bed . He turned to his brother mumbling something i was unable to make out from the distance and quickly wished me a good night , eventhough it was early in the morning . Then the door was slammed shut and i soundly exhaled . I was tired and exhausted, my mind wasn't even working properly and i was keeping my emotions on shut down mode . Not feeling anything was my biggest maxim . I wasn't even sure how i did it but i guess after my whole life beeing downright an unfortunate disaster it was plausible that this was the only way of me staying , at least to some extent,mentally sane . I grabbed the pile of clothing , placed it on my lap and then started examining each item. Three to be exact . A plain black shirt with plenty of holes in it , an old blue flannel which was not only gianormous but also sort of faded and wishy-washy and a big turquoise sweater which had a weird pattern and looked incredible hideous in general. I rolled my eyes and started unzipping my fleece jacket . What did i expect ? Turning up and finding two heroes who not even liked me but could also help me with a flick of their fingers ? If i learned something in my life , it was that life wasn't like a disney fairytale. It was more like the dark original Grimm versions and when you thought it'll get better there's a twist making it worse .After stripping down to just my underwear i tossed my , still damp , clothes on the ground and hoped there was a washing machine in this dreadful place . After putting on the shirt i decided to pull on the sweater aswell to not risk getting sick as it was quite chilly down here . I slipped under the sheets and tried to get comfortable, which was surprisingly easy . I couldn't remember when i fell asleep but thankfully there were no red eyes hunting my dreams .


	4. About dead men and closed doors

When i woke i had no idea what time it was , i was unfortunately also unable to check my phone as it ran out of battery two days ago . It certainly wasn't a good phone either , i never had cellular data , just prepaid because my mother was afraid that they might be able to track us through it . I mindlessly ran my fit through my short hair ,an uneven pixie cut . Well technically it was too long to be even that ,but what do you expect if you cut your hair at a gas station near Jasper, Arkansas with nail clippers . I was not able to bear the long curls ,they reminded me too much of my mother and I couldn't stand looking in the mirror. I didn't like the short hair and while i was watching the long strands being flushed down the dirty toilet, it was as if another part of her was ripped from me , a part of my childhood was lost . There was so much pain , too much for a girl my age to handle . I sat up with my legs dangling from the right side of the bed , reminding me once again where i was . I waited a few seconds until i felt less dizzy and my dark surroundings stopped spinning, then i bent down and patted the floor until i felt the material of my backpack , rough and sturdy against my hand . I shifted my fingers to the left ,hoping to get a grip of my old clothes to check if they were less damp , they should've been dry by now , but all my hands could allocate was the cold floor . Wait , what ? I immediately jumped out of bed , almost tripping over my own feet and started looking frantically around the room for my lost clothes , but the room was pitch black so there was no way i would be able to find them . I tried to figure out my surroundings to get to the light switch without breaking my legs or anything else, which was a surprisingly easy task due to the fact that the room was small and barely furnished. After a few careful steps i numbed against the door and patted the wall until my shaky fingers found the light switch. Suddenly the room was illuminated in a bright neon yellow glow which painfully stung in the eyes . After keeping them shut for a few seconds i blinked a few times adjusting to the luminosity. I looked back at my bed and my eyes travelled down to the place where my dirty clothes had layed, which were now unfortunately gone .That meant someone had been in my room while i was asleep. I kept pacing inside my four walls until my eyes fell on a new stack of neatly folded clothes on the desk in the corner right next to the door . A note with neat handwriting was placed above them that read "Don't worry ,your things are just in the laundry, you'll get them back later. For now i hope these things are okay, i figured you'll need some clean stuff you'll wanna put on when you wake up . If you need me or you just want some better food than stale cornflakes, i'm in the library. -Sam " . A small smile appeared on my lips but was cursed away immediately. You still can't trust them . I unfolded the few items he had brought me , they were nothing special , just a black pair of leggings , socks and a long sleeve shirt in a rusty red color , but after wearing the same things for two weeks in a row they were perfect . I silently put them on , the shirt was a little big on me , but atleast it was comfortable. I trudged back to my bed and picked up my backpack, emptying it's contents on my bed . It wasn't much but it was all the home i had left . A scattered copy of Coraline , my favourite childhood book that was probably already twelve years old and read countless of times , a sketchbook which i had started a week before the incident , the thousand other sketchbooks ,which we already filled with drawings and doodles of the places i have seen and people from the movies i watched , neatly stacked in the trunk of my mother's toyota , which was parked near the Border of Kansas . There were a couple of pencils aswell but they were all broken, probably due to my escape or the rough nights spend on bus station banks , running from something i didn't understand. Headphones, my prepaid smartphone, a charger and a small sony cassette player with an old acdc tape on replay were scattered around the mattress . I also spotted the squished Twinkies that the lorry driver gifted me , but decided to throw those away , i wasn't quite fond of the taste . After carefully dusting off each item , i packed my backpack again, just in case , and placed it on the desk chair . After procrastinating for an eternity , pacing around in the small room , i decided it would be best to head outside, not outside outside, more like find the Winchester in the bunker outside of my four walls . I enclosed the doorhandle, opened the door and stepped outside. The hallway was lit , that meant they were probably up , or they were paranoid and afraid of the dark . I hoped my first assumption was correct. I turned left and started strolling down hallway, past the countless doors . I remembered that the second door left from mine used to be Castiel's room . I wondered if Angel even needed bedrooms . It seemed obscure that celestial beings required human necessities, like sleep or food . But apparently they had children aswell so i shouldn't be presumptuous. I found myself standing in front of the door , feet glued to the ground. I couldn't help it , my eyes were still locked on the doorhandle , my mind playing with the thought of just barging in . Who was that Castiel ? Was he like my Dad ? I wanted answers so desperately that i found my trembling hand pushing down the doorhandle and opening the door , only to be startled by a shouting Dean Winchester who was sitting on the bed , that was arranged the same way as in my room . " What the hell ? What are you doing in here ! " he scolded, putting a cassette tape , that he was holding with both of his hands , aside . I started nervously fidgeting with the ugly sweater i was wearing, desperately trying to come up with a convincing excuse why i was suddenly barging in the room of a dead angel that i didn't even knew . Should i tell him that i missed my door ? But considering the small chance of actually landing in this exact room while there being quite the selection of doors to choose from , i quickly dismissed that thought. I decided not to lie to him . What would be the point , lying to someone who didn't trust you in the first place would only result in them never trusting you again. And this was the least thing i wanted . " So i could lie and tell you that i opened this door by accident or tell the truth , that i deliberately opened this exact door to find out more about Castiel, my father and Angels in general. It's your choice, pick the answer you like better !" I stated but Dean simply ignored me , staring off in the distance. I took a step forward but i had no idea how to approach the broken man . " It's okay to be sad , you know ? But you also need to learn to cope with it . I mean mentally trying to deal with it , not coping by drinking copious amounts of alcohol. I know you feel like you're trapped in hell but i know that you can escape it." I tried to comfort him but he simply picked up the beercan that was placed next to his feet and downed it's content in one go . " Been there ,done that" he muttered, tossing the empty can on the ground . I made my way to the only chair in the room which was right next to his desk and sat down . " So try again ! " I tried to encourage him but he slowly started shaking his neck mumbling a broken " I can't . It was him who pulled me out." he muttered unter his breath. " You know ,i'd like to say that i'm okay, but i'm not . I'm not okay. I always thought i was one step ahead of everything, could protect everyone but i have failed them all . I used to be able to fix things , i used to have people who could help but they're gone , they're all gone . And I'm left , always left ." he almost whispered, his hands clasped together as if he was praying, with his head hanging down, his forehead almost touching them. I didn't know what to answer, what to say , but i did know how he felt , what he had been through. Because it was my life all over again "What would they tell you to do , if they were here ? Would they order you to drink your body weight in bottles of alcohol and hide in a bedroom ? " I carefully asked , trying to sound persistent but it came out hesitantly and flat . The man in front of me unfolded his hands and looked up for the first time . He learned back ,grabbing the cassette he had laid away and fished up a dated walkman that he probably hid under the pillowcase. He twirled the cassette a couple of times before holding it up , pointing at the cassette and staring at me . " You know what this is , right ? Or are you one of these uneducated youngsters? " he inquired mockingly. I rolled my eyes . " It's a cassette . I have had them aswell , well my mum did , but i was always welcome to use them . I still have one in my walkman in my backpack, AC/DC , to be exact . " I replied sarcastically. I heard Dean inhaling sharply. " Okay great . So not only is this a cassette, it's a mixtape. A mixtape with Led Zeppelin songs. It was a mixtape to be exact . It was a mixtape for Castiel, Cas . It was a mixtape i made for him . You asked what they would say to me , if they would be here right now . Well you know what Cas did ? No ? Bastard emptied the tape and swapped it for .. for . Well listen for yourself ." Deans voice was barely a whisper in the end and he started fiddling with the walkman with his shaking hands , inserting the cassette and pressing the play button . Suddenly a deep voice filled the tiny room and dean was clutching the device so hard that his knuckles were turning white .

 

_" Hello Dean . It's Castiel . But that was not a surprise, was it ? If you start playing this on any device of your choice please make sure you are alone . No Sam , no Mary , no Crowley , well i think you've already understood . This is for you Dean Winchester, just for you ........._


	5. The Tape

_" Hello Dean . It's Castiel . But that was not a surprise, was it ? If you start playing this on any device of your choice please make sure you are alone . No Sam , no Mary , no Crowley , well i think you've already understood . This is for you Dean Winchester, just for you . Before you listen to this poignant recording you should also know that it took me four times recording this . Four times , Dean ! I was a celestial being who watched your planet grow into the place it now is and still failed to handle a tape recording device properly . So now the humorous part is over because if you're listening to this i am already gone . In your words : Bastard died on you. Or you could've have accidentally stolen what was technically your cassette out of the pocket of my overcoat , which i know you wouldn't do because it would be an invasion of someone's so called personal space . At least that's what you've called it . If that's the case and i happen to be still alive my plan has failed. If i am still alive please tell me what i should do , please tell me the words i was waiting for you to say. But i waited too long , i already told you those three little words .But i am sure while you are listening this isn't relevant anymore because i have already died , and i am sure while you are listening to this tape you are feeling the emotion guilt , anger , hurt and grief . I always thought human emotions were quite peculiar, even strange but most of the times they hurt and weigh you down. I wasn't meant to experience them , those human emotions. Why, you might ask ? Well it's self explanatory, they're human emotions and i am , well , not that . Is this why i was treated differently ? Maybe. I wasn't meant to have them but still no grace , no wings , no halo and most certainly no harp *chuckles* were able to hinder me from developing them . Maybe that's why i am dead now , maybe i also wasn't murdered , maybe it was my choice. Maybe. Maybe it was an accident, but that's your decision to make . I'm sure you cared , cared about me , but you didn't care enough, not enough for me atleast. What was i Dean , why did you need me ? Was i a weapon ? Was i a toy ? Was i just an angel contact ? Someone you could always rely on and call when you needed aid ? Nothing more, just that ? I can tell you what you were for me . You meant everything. You and Sam were the only friends i had ,especially you . You were everything Dean Winchester. You heard right , were not are . Don't forget , i'm still dead . So Dean that brings me back to our story which also leads me to my decision to end it and close the book . I'm tired Dean , so tired of trying. I pulled you out of hell , i broke every law imaginable, i left heaven , i rebelled and died . Died over and over again , literally and figuratively. Maybe you never thought about that often , maybe you did . Maybe you forgot that i was able to feel emotions like i wasn't able to taste food, because i am , excuse me , was an angel . But let me tell you Dean , loneliness doesn't taste like molecules, sadness doesn't and especially love. They drag you down , they make you unable to think , unable to function. After meeting you i learned what emotions felt like and after knowing you for years i learned that emotions could leave suddenly and all at once . Like washing off the dried blood from a battle wound my emotions found their way down the drain . All my emotions. And then everything was empty, all the blood was gone and there was just an open scar . I felt empty, Dean , i felt nothing. I am not scared that i am going to die and i am not scared of recording this right now . I am sorry that i literally destroyed you beautiful playlist, that i rewinded the tape and recorded this on it . It's a shame , your songs were beautiful. You might be sad right now , it's your human weakness. And it was mine . You told me nobody cares that i was broken, maybe you should have because I didn't mean to end our story here , but i was tired of trying. Trying to be less like a brother and more like a .. like a .... okay scratch that . You wouldn't want me anyway. Too much of a broken mess , too much wings , less of a stereotypical one night stand female with a bad taste in music and too short clothing. But maybe that's okay and my life isn't like a stereotypical 80's movie . Or maybe i wasn't casted to play the lead role. But atleast i was there when you needed me . Where were you , Dean Winchester ?_

 

 _Oh and if you flip the cassette i made another playlist with songs i liked . It's not only Led Zeppelin though, but other artists aswell . I found them on the platform called Youtube, Sam downloaded it on my telephone device . Try to let go Dean Winchester. There are two paths you can go by, but in the long run , there's still time to change the road you're on . And i know it's easier to ride the Highway to hell but sometimes you need to climb a staircase to heaven. Did i just quoted Led Zeppelin and Ac/dc in the same sentence ? Yes , i figured you would rather listen to them . Goodbye  Dean . "_        

 

Then there was just the rustling of the cassette player . And then silence . He was just sitting there , not moving , his short and stagnant breathing was the only sound . His hands were still clasped around the walkman , knuckles still white and fingertips red against the black device. Suddenly there was just a bang and the door flew open . And then the stop button was pressed the second Dean spotted a relieved Sam standing in the doorway . " I searched for you two . You weren't in your rooms , i thought something had happened ! What are you doing in here anyway ? " Sam asked warily, eying the cassette player in Deans hands . I quickly got my act together , wiping my sweaty palms on my pants " Well i met Dean on the hallway and , well , i then asked him if he knew how to fix my old walkman. Not only did he do that ,he also wanted to show me a couple of bands to broaden my music taste . But he , he had lend them Castiel so we had to search for then in his room . " I fibbed with a straight face . Dean quickly wiped his eyes , trying to discard traces of evidence and laid down the cassette player . " Are you sure you're okay ? You seem pretty ropey !" Sam inquired looking at his brother . " Nah i just have a bit of a hangover. And since when isn't a man allowed to get emotional over some good old Led Zep ! Don't be so judgmental Sammy ! " Dean chuckled nervously. His brother raised an eyebrow giving him a side eye . " Well if you need to talk i'm in the kitchen making some coffee . By the way , i'm talking to both of you ! " Sam added and turned on his heel and headed out the door . The second he was gone Dean slumped together. " Thank you ." he mumbled his breath . I never knew why he was thankful for me lying to his brother. I never knew why he decided to carry everything on his own shoulders , not only not accepting any help , he didn't want it in the first place . But the man in front of me needed it so badly. I stood up and started heading to the door when he interrupted me " Where are you going ? " he asked slightly confused. " To the kitchen. I need to talk and besides there's coffee ! You should come aswell , it'll help with your hangover. " I explained. " Maybe i should . I mean not to talk , but i can use some coffee. "


	6. What do i know ?

  
The coffee was bland and bitter but at least it was emphasising the atmosphere. I took another sip and it felt like hot gasoline went down my throat . I felt slightly nauseous. This wasnt the coffee i was used , usually sweet creamy lattes and Iced coffee with syrup. What did i expect, this wasn't Starbucks, this was an underground bunker. The cup was still slightly warm so i thankfully warmed my ice cold hands on the heat donating porcelain. " Do you want some milk and sugar ? I mean i know there's better coffee but it helps wake you up ! " Sam offered after he took another sip of the black concoction. I simply nodded my freezing hands still clasped around the cup . While Sam got up to get some sugar my eyes fell on Dean who currently had a staring contest with his coffee . I wanted to ask him if he was feeling better , but i knew he wasn't and who could blame him . Before i could say anything , Sam returned with a package of sugar and a jug of half and half milk . " Grace , you wanted to ask some questions, about what all this is about. We might be only able to answer some things, but we'll try to help you . It's just strange , you know seeing you compared to Jack . I mean it is a bit of a shock because you seem almost human , and that's what you feel like i suppose ? " Sam asked while he placed the milk on the table . " Jack ? Who is Jack ? " I stuttered , my heart rate speeding up. Sam quickly drove with his fingers through his hair " Oh right ! Yeah you don't know anything , i forgot. So Jack , he's well , he's Lucifer son . He is a Nephelim ,just like you , but he seemed different, i mean i could say evil . " Sam explained, moving around his cup nervously. " Do you even know him ? I mean really know him ? " I answered aggrieved. "He was only born a few weeks ago .." Sam started , but i already had enough . This was a child he was talking about. An innocent baby without any life experience. " How can you even say that ! This is a child you are talking about ! Are you even listening to yourself ! " I cried agitated slamming my cup of coffee on the table with such a vigorous power that it bursted into pieces , spilling the hot drink over the whole table . " I am so ,so sorry ! " I shrieked, jumping up from my seat . " Grace's listen , he's not a child. I mean age wise yes but he doesn't look .." Sam started but i stormed out of the room . I didn't want to hear it . Was that what they thought i was , evil ? Dangerous ? My legs were almost collapsing but i kept making my way through the corridors , trying to find my room . It wasn't even my room , it wasn't even my home . I remember the table flying through the room, the demon's ashes scattered around the light linoleum floor of the gas station. I slumped down , against the stone wall and pulled my legs to my chest. Maybe he's right. Maybe i am a monster . Because of me my father left , because of me my mother was taken , i was the cause after all . I felt drained and i felt like i could cry for weeks but not a single tear left my eye . I positioned my head on my knees and closed my eyes wanting to shut down everything around me , but this time it didn't work. Everything still felt dark and meaningless and the wish that the ground would swallow me in whole was more persistent than ever .

 

There were footsteps, heavy footsteps and the sound was echoing throut he hallway , but i ignored them . I felt a tall figure slumping next to me , breathing heavily. I didn't look up , i didn't move and i didn't open my eyes . " You know what my brother said, i mean he's kinda wrong . Of course he doesn't know Jack that well to make assumptions , he vanished into thin air before he even knew what was happening, but Sam said he had this glow in his eyes and this stare . " The man next to me whispered and it wasn't Sam as i thought, it was Dean . " You know it is a baby you're talking about." I whispered, my head still nudged on my knees . " I mean i don't know , all i know that Sam saw a young man , definitely older than you . His mother died giving birth to him . I know it's not easy to not judge a book by its cover , but it's practically impossible when it's someone physically related to the devil himself." He sighed and shifted uncomfortably next to me . " Why am i so different ? " I asked with a shaking voice . "What ? " Dean snapped confused. I finally decided to lift my head and look him in the eye . " What i mean is , why am i not like Jack ? Until i was nine i had a fairly normal childhood and you basically know the rest . I never had those powers , i can't vanish and my eyes don't glow, i wasn't born adult size , you know what i mean ? " I sighed. " Lucifer and Gabriel might both be archangel and brothers but that's probably it . Not calling your dad a saint , asshole killed me a thousand times in the most demeaning ways but he wasn't evil or vicious in that way . Guy thought he was hilarious, in a twisted kinda way . " He explained. "Was ? " I shot back , my voice fading out into what was barely a whisper. " Where's he ? " I added quickly . Dean eyes travelled to the opposite wall , stared at it with furrowed brows , pointedly avoided eye contact. " Dean ? " I asked one more time with a stronger and demanding voice but he kept ignoring my question . Did i really wanted to know . It felt like the walls were moving towards each other , closer and closer until they stopped. " I don't know ! " Dean said but his voice was unsteady and he was still not looking at me . My stomach felt like a pit and the room felt dizzy . " You are lying. You both are lying. Why ? Do you think i can't handle the truth ? Do you think i'll make you responsible if something happened? Do you think just because everyone seems to label me as a dangerous freak , i am going to destroy you . I wasn't even able to save my own mother ! " I angrier spotted out and it felt good . Good to just say something instead of holding all the anger in .

" You know bout Heaven, right ? I mean it's real , maybe a bit different than you think , but it's there. So is hell . I've lost many people, too many but then i think they have it easier up there . I know you lost your mum and i know it's shit and you have trouble coping but remember that she's up there and she's probably okay . " he sighed . I didn't feel relief but i felt a little better, but he still didn't answer the question . " But where's my dad ? " i continued persistent. Dean shifted uncomfortably next to me " Truth is i don't know . I mean you don't want neither the silent treatment or the gentle treatment , i get that , but as i said i don't really know where he is . I don't know where you dad is and i don't know where Cas is . All i know is that they're not here with us ." He spoke bitter . My heart skipped a beat and the room felt suddenly cold and even duller than before . I watched the tiny dust particles dance around in the air , they slowed down almost as if the time had stopped. " He died trying to make things right , killing Lucifer. He was an asshole who tricked and dragged me and Sam into shit more than once , but i think he was a good guy . He liked humanity and wanted distance to heaven and his brothers . Guess a lil too much ." Dean added reassuringly . " When ? " i asked simply, my voice lifeless and unrecognisable. " Think about 8 years ago . That has to be , um, 2009 ." he answered still not looking me in the eye. " Shortly after he told my mum and i to leave home. So he didn't let us down , he knew Lucifer was after me , he tried to safe us . " I whispered and i felt a little bit better . " You know i'm sorry , i know what it's like and it's shit ! " Dean sighed leaning his head against the wall . " You know i'm kinda glad . All that time i thought my dad left us , abandoned us because he didn't wanna deal with us but he did the opposite. He died trying to protect us ." i exclaimed.

After that conversation the atmosphere lightened and we all fell into a certain routine. Breakfast was made by Sam every morning, usually something simple like cornflakes or toast with eggs , then Dean would try to either try find ways to possibly resurrect Celestial creatures or how to open portals to alternate universes to find their mother and possibly Lucifer, Sam would try to track down Jack by searching unknown paranormal sightings and i was told to do some research about the supernatural ,my father and angels in general , so i spent my days in the library digging through ancient books that smelled like cigars and old parchment paper. Life was okay for the moment , well not really , but atleast it was doable if i tried to keep my emotions inside of me . Deans alcohol consumption was still critical but at least the amount of bottles that stood lined up like soldiers on the library tables got smaller over time . But the more i found out about the world and what's beyond it , the more i felt like my whole life was a twisted nightmare and the worst thing was that i couldn't wake up .  
And then i realised that i was sad . It's such an easy word to say , only three letters . We don't say it . We don't say it like we don't say we're happy. Because these words are powerful and these words cannot be used to describe a short feeling. Sadness doesn't hit you like a bullet , doesn't stab you like a knife . It comes slowly, hides like a ghost and follows you like a shadow until it becomes your shadow. And you'll only notice your shadow when light shines on you . You can only be sad when you felt happiness. You'll only see your shadow when there is light .

**Author's Note:**

> So after the 12 season finale i wanted to start writing this story. I had this idea for quite a while as i always thought this show lacks strong female characters. This story is written in Grace's POV but i will incorporate Destiel as a main side storyline. I try to guarantee regular weekly uploads .


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